Create your own home remedies

So we put the new patio out front and I was hoping to enjoy it a lot. I did not realize that we had put the bricks down in middle of our misquito hatchery. No, I'm convinced that we must be breeding and farming misquitoes and they love the taste of me I guess. So I came inside to find that we had nothing for the itch. Then I saw a sample pack of meds that we got somewhere and decided to look through it and I found Tucks pads for hemorrhoidal treatment. Well it said it had witch hazel in it so I know that is supposed to relieve itch so I figured "why not" since it was itching so bad I didn't care what it took. Didn't really help though and looked weird when my girlfriend walked past the bathroom while I was sitting on top of the toilet rubbing these pads on calves and ankles.

Hanging out at the Doctor's Office

I go to the doctor a lot. Seriously if I was a car I would be melted down and given away for scrap metal. So I have the routine down. I know how long I will be waiting in the "little room" before the doctor comes in. So for those less experienced, it's ok to lay back on that paper stuff with the pillow at the top of the bench. And if it helps put the sunglasses down so you catch a little shut eye. That's ok. I do it every time. Here's my visit from this week.

Family Bonding!

Was it about 110 degrees yesterday? That's what it felt like when I decided to do something stupid. You can test your relationship by seeing if you can work on a project together when it's scorching hot outside. My lovely girlfriend wanted to put down a brick patio in front of the house. It became a family project as the kids were helping out as well. What a great idea to have a whiney brat in the sun with no food and not enough to drink. And I'm just talking about me!! My complaining and carrying bricks around while she stood there with a shovel makes it a miracle that she didn't clock me in the back of the head and bury me under the patio. We finally got finished and she got called in to work so that I could enjoy it on my own.

Parking!

With the abundance of parking in Rapid (sarcasm)I hate when people don't use the parking spaces properly Here is the car on the left side of mine

Shouldn't have complained about the GPS

So a couple of weeks ago I complained about how the GPS should be called GBS. Well that was a mistake. When I went to New York, for some stupid reason I put all of my electronic things like iPod etc... into my computer carry-on bag. Including the GPS I had complained about. At first I thought I might have lost it since I had put it in a part of the bag that has a velcro flap. I have come to realize that since I was complaining about Amy the GPS that she actually crawled out of the bag so get away from me

They are firing weapons at our house!

That's what my 10 year old girl thought. She walked into my room Sunday with a red stick and a burnt piece of paper and fuse. She said, "Look the neighbors fired this at our house!" I had to explain that we didn't know where it came from and that no one had done it intentionally. It was still a couple of hours before she changed our Defcon status.

GPS? Actually it should be GBS!

Was a great time to use a GPS last weekend wasn't it? I mean, I was heading to Billings and why should I take time to go online or look at a map since I could use this gadget to just punch in the address and get where I needed to go right? I'm not sure who is more stupid, me or Amy the GPS. Oh she was talking to me and telling me to turn back that I "was an idiot" and "how did you ever get a license since you can't even spell it" I started yelling back at her because she was telling me that I should turn on roads that didn't exist. I really never found my destination. It was more like it found me. Then later I decide to give Amy the GBS another chance. Some people asked if we wanted to follow them but we had to stop back at our hotel and so they just gave me the address and said it should be no problem because they couldn't think of any construction on the route. WRONG! Well maybe not because I'm pretty sure the destination was only two blocks from where we started but GBS Amy took us back out to the interstate about 3 exits down and made me go down a road where I started seeing signs about how the pavement would be ending in 100 yards. That's not a good sign. So I get to where the road is closed and I'm trying to get out of there on my own and GBS Amy starts screaming at me again to go back. Then she starts in about how I don't eat right and I should be nicer to my family and friends and that's when I pulled the plug on GBS Amy.

My Birthday Wishes

Man I had no idea I knew so many people. There were so many people that wished me a Happy Birthday on Facebook I couldn't believe it. There had to be some program they used automatically to all send a little message. I really did appreciate it though because if I don't really really know you, I won't be friends with you on Facebook. There is always the chance I'm going to say something that not everyone needs to know about. Yes, I can be a loose cannon. These is why a couple of blogs ago I said there was no way I would want my parents on Facebook. With all the wishes I was getting I decided of all my friends would send me $25 and all their friends would send them $25 then.... Ok no one thought the Mike Birthday Scam..er Celbration Club was a good idea. Then I noticed people started dropping me as friends.

I did not touch her!

You might have heard me mention before that I am the announcer for the Rushmore Rollerz women's flat track roller derby team. My derby name is Broken Mic by the way. You might have heard me say that I date Summer Storm from the team. So before you look at the following pictures and get the idea that I might have struck her in any way let me point out that not only do I respect women and would never do anything like that but I also don't want to eat through a straw for the rest of my life! There is no doubt she could give me a beat down if I were to be in need of one. She was doing martial arts training when we first started dating while I on the other hand was in training to make the perfect ice cream sundae. So after the Rushmore Rollerz Bout last Saturday when I was asked to call over the EMT's I had no idea it was for her. I figured it must be important because she's an RN and usually is the first to check out someone's injury. Then I noticed the side of her face was swelling up. It turns out that during the physical bout she took an accidental helmet to the face. So I stayed behind to help clean things up while she was taken to the ER. This is the picture of her in the ER as the eye started to develop into a bruise.

Stupid people who can see

One of the entertainment stories on our website had the headline "Jay-Z Performs - Stevie Wonder Watches" That would be kinda hard to pull off since Stevie is still blind I believe.

Why You Don't Let Your Parents On Facebook

My parents aren't on Facebook. If they were I wouldn't friend them. I'm not being a bad son, that was already established when I forgot birthdays last year. It's because I don't need them to read the things that I post. Case in point. Got a call from my mom asking about getting pulled over. My cousin (who I may have to drop from my friend list)said something to my mother about being pulled over by a female police officer. My dad thinks I'm going to lose my license because I've been pulled over a couple of times lately. They've both been for lights on different vehicles. Don't ask. So I realize my cousin has told her about my posting (see blog below) where the female officer (very cute I might add) was at the car and the penis straw fell (like I said see blog below!) while I was getting the registration for my girlfriends car from the visor. So I tell my mom the whole story because it's not a big deal and then I make her promise me to never sign up for Facebook because I do not want to be having these kinds of calls in the future!

Sir May I See Your Straw?

Driving home in my girlfriends car I notice she has a headlight out. The other one had been out the last time I drove her car. About 3 blocks after I notice this at midnight a police officer turns around and pulls me over. She was a very cute, very nice police officer. This is how I posted it on my Facebook page. "Getting pulled over by the police in my girlfriends car because of a headlight = $0 warning. Reaching for the registration above the visor and having the blue penis straw from a bachelorette party fall in my lap in front of the hot officer = priceless."

Is This Safe?

It's hot and I've waited as long as I could to turn on the A/C but it has to be done. Once you look and see that it's 86 degrees inside you really aren't struggling with the deciscion. Turned it on at 6:30 and by 10 was getting ready for bed and noticed it really wasn't any cooler in the house. A/C wasn't working. Next day arrives and finally after work I've checked two fuse boxes only to find out after talking to the landlord that there was a third one I didn't know about. That did the trick. Since it was so hot in the house the kids went outside and turned the hose on each other and I look out the bathroom window and realize they are spraying each other with the hose ON THE TRAMPOLINE. Not safe right? Totally not safe when they have moved the tramp closer to the house where electrical lines were hanging above their wet heads as they bounced higher and higher. Tramp is off limits for awhile!

What Next?

So I had a crazy weekend going with my parents coming to town on Friday and a wedding on Saturday. Only I could have things happen like this. My parents drove 720 miles from Kansas City and were getting into town during the height of crazyness as I was getting ready to host Karaoke at The Clock Tower and get the house cleaned before they got here. Of course they were early & I live in a different place so they didn't know where to go. They called and I was trying to explain how to get to my house and there's a knock on the door. It's a woman who says she has backed into my car on the street. So I'm on the phone and this woman opens the door at the side of the house where there's no fence and let's my dogs out. I have a Jack Russell that has been waiting for this moment her whole life, so by the time the woman turned her head my dog was about a mile down the road. Did I mention it had started raining? She put a good sized dent in my bumper and wanted to talk about how long I had lived there. All while we were standing in the rain while my kids are chasing the most excited dog in the world in and out of traffic and my parents are on the phone asking if they should turn left.

Check out these legs

Yes, there was one other time that I dressed in a leather skirt and one time in a tutu. So before someone tries to blackmail me like I'm Jesse James or a Lindsay Lohan, I would like to beat everyone to the punch. Those previous times I was paying off bets that I lost. This time it was because I gave in to help promote the Rushmore Rollerz by dressing up as my favorite Roller Summer Storm.

Now I'm a whiner

I have all these things coming up starting today. It sounded like I was whining as I was thinking about it so I thought I would beat everyone to the punch and call myself on it first.

I'm a Slacker

Oh yea I'm a slacker. When it comes to updating the blog and things like that. Wait a minute. Why am I trying to narrow it down? I had promised to post this last week when I had a Rolling Stones question on Gender Wars and I said that I had their logo on my arm. However, I'm a slacker and I'm just now getting to it

Saturday Nights Suck

I said it. Ok, I'm just talking about for me lately. I think I've figured it out. Lately it's been the only night I've had free so I put so much pressure on having to take advantage of that by doing something exciting or productive and then I end up doing NOTHING. Worse though was when this happens like last night I was in a mood and nothing at all interested me. Now it's Sunday and all the things I could have done last night I feel like doing now and there's only so much time left in the day. OMG I'm a whiney little sissy! By the way the soda that was stolen from my fridge was Jayden. I didn't want to name names but I think it's only right.

It's Been Found

It's confirmed. Heather found the Hidden Egg. I'll have an interview with her on Monday with more details and an explanation of the clues. If you can't wait that long I will be putting some updates on Twitter through the weekend.

Frustrations

Frustration has been my word since last weekend and it keeps happening. Not that anyone likes being frustrated but I'm like a huge baby when it comes to being frustrated. Awhile back I lost a ton of stuff on my laptop. Fortunately I have an external drive that I had a lot of things backed up on. I also have two other computers that I have backed up to this external hard drive. It has now decided it doesn't want to work. Are you serious! Yes I know there are online places and other ways to back up so this doesn't happen but guess what I don't use those and it did happen. Other frustration? I don't have any soda today. Wait you don't realize how bad that is for me. Yes I know what things are bad for me too but that's not the point. The point is I have an empty fridge in my office that should have some cold soda in it and I don't. Plus I don't have any money on me to walk next door for some. Then again maybe I should recycle the cans that are sitting on top of the fridge?

White Shirts

First of all they don't look slimming on me. Yet I own them. I'm looking at one right now that is a nice shirt I really like it. Why do I have it in my office as a spare to change into? One of the biggest reasons I would change shirts would be if I spilled something on the one I have on. I only spill things on my shirts when I wear WHITE ones!

I rode a bike

I'm serious. That may not sound like a big deal until you realize that it's exercise and me in the same sentence. Ok, there's no real proof. It was right after dark and my girlfriend wasn't home and the kids were inside. I got on my girlfriends bike and rode down the street and back. The whole thing took all of 2 minutes at the most. I might have even said Wheeeee!

A Little Loopy

I'm loopy the last couple of days. Yes, I know you're saying how can you tell. It's a little more than usual though and I can tell. It's from lack of sleep and some really high blood sugar readings. Perhaps I should figure out for myself that taking my meds and not having leftover Easter Candy for breakfast might help out the blood sugar. Just throwing that out there. Oh and don't tell the kids I took some of their candy.

Stupid Computers

I know, it's operator error. I updated this blog and the blog on the home page on Friday and for some reason while I was out of the room the computer rebooted before I could finish so I lost all my work. It may have been the greatest blog ever! Ok I'm sure it wasn't. Today I can't concentrate because I have a picture to upload and I don't have the adaptor to do it. I'll finish later when I steal it from someone else's computer.

Birthdays

Again with the birthdays! What was I thinkin? There's a country song that says those words and I am referring to it. Because that's what I asked when I was at the Water Park last Satuday for a birthday party for my 10 year old girl and 4 of her friends along with her 11 year old brother and 12 year old cousin. I thought it was fine because I had my girlfriend in charge and I wouldn't have any problems right? That was true except for the 5 minutes my girlfriend went outside to meet one of the parents. I had forgotten that a group of 10 year old girls can scream louder than civil defense sirens! It turns out it went really well. For me anyway since I just sat around and watched.

Snow and Stuff

Snow? For real? Of course because historically our Spring storms always bring the most of the season and we were lucky enough to have the nice weather the last few days and we all know that always comes with a price. I know I'm a bad guy because I agreed to do the blog and then I never update it. Here's how I look at it though. If you sign up to get updates of my blog sent to you (I'm sure that would just be family members)it means you wouldn't get bombarded with them. Speaking of those kind of things, I think I am pretty good with electronics and I know each generation becomes more savvy. However, how do my 10 and 11 year old kids know how to do all these things to my cell phones to make changes that I have trouble undoing?

Yes I went AWOL

I'm talking about as far as the blog goes. One reason is that the birthday thing was a disaster. I should have done what I said I might do on my last blog.."So I might just scrap everything and hand her something unwrapped that I grabbed at the gas station counter and just say "Here, Happy Birthday" That would have been much better than what happened. Let me say I put a lot of work into it that she later appreciated. I got her DVD's and books that are out of circulation and hard to get. Of course I gave her a migraine to start things off and it kept getting worse to the point that she was not only dealing with the migraine but it made her sick to her stomach. Her friends were texting and asking how it was going and I had to tell them she was getting sick in the bathroom or she was climbing out the window. I was for sure it was the latter.

Weekend is Here

The weekend is here and after the beautiful weather all week we get this. Hopefully it doesn't represent how it will turn out for me since it's my girlfriends birthday and I have made some plans to surprise her. I'm not worried she will actually read this but I'll wait till next week to tell you how it all shakes out. I've been working on a plan but don't want her to think I'm recycling from what I did for my ex! So I might just scrap everything and hand her something unwrapped that I grabbed at the gas station counter and just say "Here, Happy Birthday"

I Can't Dance

So I had a great time hosting karaoke at the Clock Tower Lounge on Friday night and enjoyed seeing so many people who came out to support the Rushmore Rollerz there. Then Saturday morning I got to go to the private screening of The Box at The Elks for Shea's 16th birthday party. It was the Hits 102-7 Night At Elks appearance that was part of the weekend that was scariest. Why? Because I came out to interrupt the dancers from Heartland Dance before the movie started. Yes someone thought it would be great if I came out and said "Nobody puts Mikey in the corner" and yes I tried to do a lift and a dip and a twirl with Megan my partner who was not pretending to be terrified. My dancing was truly scary for her!

I'M AWFUL

Crissy hosts Battle of The Brains at Thirsty's for a reason. The biggest reason is that the words brains and Mike aren't allowed in the same sentence. I proved that last night as I sat with a table who hoped that I would help them out in the second round when it was all about music. Let me point out that if they had won I couldn't have allowed them to accept prizes because that would have been wrong of course. However, I really couldn't help them, I was terrible with the music portion. I used to play the NTN trivia in businesses and have success but last night I was just one big foul odor of a participant. Yes I stunk it up for them! Even worse I was able to help Crissy with a question about Desperate Housewives. What has happened to me?

HOMEWORK

So my girlfriend was helping the 9 year old with her homework last night. The fourth grader was trying to identify who a President was that had signed the Declaration of Independence. She started getting upset and said it was hard for her because she wasn't born back then. I thought that was funny and mentioned it on the air this morning. Once again, I'm in trouble. Call from a nine year old saying she doesn't like it when people talk about her. Lesson I learned? Make sure you say those things when they are already in school and not listening

Pickin' and Grinin'

I was watching the Olympics for a bit last night during the figure skating. Before the girl Kim from Korea went out to start her program to set a new record. They had the camera on her getting last minute instructions from her coach. She grabbed a tissue and began to wipe her nose then she started digging into her nose followed by an immersion up to her shoulder. I wasn't sure whether to think she should take care of that before she comes out in front of the cameras or whether it was cruel of them to keep showing it on TV. Then she went out and set a new world record for short programs and it made me think they should all try that ritual.

I'M GONNA BE IN DETENTION!

I'm in soooo much trouble! All last week the kids kept reminding me every day that parent teacher conferences were on Monday the 22nd. All last week I told them I was aware and to stop bugging me it was posted on the refrigerator and I would not forget. I forgot. My girlfriend was able to save me somewhat by meeting with the teachers for a couple of minutes a half hour after the scheduled appointment. Now I have a phone message from the principal too about something else. I'm going to tell them the kids never told me about it.

Betty White

I've always thought Betty White was funny, not just in the TV shows she was in over the years but in interviews and if you ever watched her on old games shows which you can still see on The Game Show Network you will find her ad-libs are extremely funny. Now she's getting all this attention from the Snickers ad that debuted during the Super Bowl. Of course the other two topics from that commercial was "I didn't know Abe Vigoda was still alive" followed by "who's that guy?". There is a write in campaign on Facebook to petition for Betty White to be on Saturday Night Live. It's already up to nearly a half a million signatures. Betty White has been great about downplaying it. She did say that if it were to happen she will not do nudity. She is funnier than many of today's young actors yet she is 88 and gets around better than I do. Actually that isn't saying much!

Dairy Queen

Ok, the talking mouth in the Dairy Queen commercial is creeping me out. Especially when he is trying to hypnotize me. It kind of distracts me from my ice cream craving.