David Archuleta’s new memoir, Devout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself, is out on Feb. 17, and in an exclusive excerpt on People.com, the singer reveals he once contemplated taking his own life, to the point where he started searching for the right place to do it.
As he details in the book, David, 35, couldn’t reconcile the fact that he was queer with his Mormon faith, and it was torturing him. David writes in the excerpt, “The logic flowed that if God left me with these homosexual feelings, I supposed He didn’t want me to exist. I contemplated whether it would be better to admit to myself that I was gay or end my life.”
He goes on to write that he tried to determine the safest, “most efficient way” to commit suicide, adding, “I started going on short drives, scouting locations, looking for a place I could crash my car at a high speed without hurting anyone else.”
But after he found a place that would work, he writes, “The thing that held me back wasn’t the fear of death, but the fear of not dying. If I survived but broke my back, I might be paralyzed, and then it’d be impossible to try again. I’d have to exist with my thoughts for decades without being able to do anything about them.”
David says in the memoir he had a conversation with God, which convinced him that it was OK to be who he is.
“I was almost willing to give my life up because I was so devoted to what I believed,” he tells People. “I’m just grateful to be alive and to see what I can do with my life while I’m here. It really feels like starting again.”
If you are in crisis or know someone in crisis, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or by visiting 988lifeline.org. You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.
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